A note to me

So I've started my new job and love it. I get to work with a child who has autism. Amazingly wonderful to view the world thru this childs eyes on a daily basis.. Amazingly people I work with tell me how good I am at this.. I always say it's because I'm a mom.. but I know it's more than that. Sam has made me a better person.

Thursday Sam had a hard day at school.. So hard that when I spoke to his teacher at the end of the day his teacher asked if he was autistic... Oh My Sweet Sam. Oh this question came as no surprise. every year their is some issue in the class. And we have had him tested more than once with different results every time... Sensory integration disorder...diagnosed in Kindergarten. ADHD diagnosed in 2nd grade which I believe is just a catch all phrase for we have no freaking idea what is going on. Finally 2 years ago tested for autism yup he has some of the traits but not enough to qualify for help.. So he's on his own.
He's an amazing kid misunderstood as we all are at times. And without the ability to censor himself when he's in the moment. The other day he told me he gets so tired at school. I asked him why? He responded that it's hard talking to people and smiling all day. I know we all feel that way but for Sam it's a little extra.
His teacher is requeting that he gets together with the school Psychologist.. Nothing new been there, done that. Luckily I like the lady.
I guess what I am saying is thatin some way life brings you thru different challenges for a reason. I know I am GOOD at my job. I'm good at it because my son has trained me for the last 10 years to be completely in tune at all times. He has trained me not to take things personal when he has a breakdown. He has trained me that we all don't feel or see the world in the same way. And that many of us are so in tune that it can literally hurt!
I guess you could say he is to smart for his own good. Having many of the traits he can manage except when hes tired or confused.. He can for the most part pull himself together. I worry he is so hard on himself. When he can't handle something,he breaks and than beats himself up for it.

I knew Thursday was a bad one for him even before speaking to his teacher. I work in the same school and while I was in a classroom I looked out the window and saw the music class outside giggling and laughing and having fun blowing on their mouthpeices for their new instruments.. I also saw Sam outside of the group hiding to the side plugging his ears as tightly as possible. What was fun for the other kids was just torcher to him. He was literally in pain!

Summer

Hmmm. So finally I managed to drag myself out of bed by 6am... Having been on a Summer schedule sleeping til 9 has been the norm.. I do appreciate the quiet of early morning.. The children tucked snug in their beds..fresh coffee and the cool crispness of a fresh day.
Summer has been wonderful so far.. It's funny every Spring I fret about how to keep the kids busy during their off time.. Turns out we are much more active then I thought.. Baseball, Swim Lessons, camping, friends, Visits to grandparents and of course work..
I know I've said it before, but I feel like I need to say it again.. We are so blessed! I know I'm biased but our little family is just awesome! The kids are at such wonderful ages.. I know, I say that every year.. They are so much fun, and so interesting to talk to, and so smart I think we learn more from them then they learn from us...
Last weekend we went to Family Camp.. Saw lots of old Friends and made lots of new ones.. was a lot of fun.. we didn't have Sam and Katie with us.. Seemed odd being at Family Camp with out our family.. Brad and I had a great time but we sure missed our babies.. They would of had so much fun.. And it would have been so much more fun for us..
It's funny how when your with your babies all you want is a break, and when they are gone all you want is for them to be back home.. Wonder what it'll be like to have them all grown up one day and moved out... I think I'm getting empty nest syndrome just thinking of it...ugh!
hmmm... well anyways. Looking forward to school starting...I love Fall. The smell of wood stove smoke, the autumn leaves floating thru the air and of course Halloween...Won't be long now I can already feel a difference in the air.
Time for more coffee....

Writing

I think I've slipped a way from myself...just ever so slightly... Don't we all from time to time?
I write to clear my mind, to clear my head,to clear the air.. Yet for some reason I haven't touched a pencil or typed a key in a while... Maybe my heads already clear... Maybe I'm running on empty..maybe I don't have much to say..
So here I am fingers fluttering about the keyboard waiting for a thought to come, to linger, to stay a while... Nope not a thing...Maybe tomorrow, maybe not..

Family update

Just thought I woulld put together a blog letting everyone who may be interested in what s new with our family..
Anyone who has kids knows the older they get the faster life goes.. They keep us busy Which is a good thing..
Brad is doing well at work.. Loves the crew he works with and enjoys the great schedule now that its Summer he's off work between 2pm and 2:30.. Can't beat that!
Katie is playing T-ball and doing wonderfully.. Yesterday she was pitcher and even caught the ball in mid air.. I was impressed! She is also getting attitude.. So independent... However I have found a quick fix... Instead of grounding her I have her scrub the toilet.... How fun!
Sam is doing well.. Starting baseball any day I guess Brad is going to help coach which is funny cause he knows NOTHING about baseball. However with Brad anything he does he ends up doing great.. He's a hidden perfectionist. Sam is reading like crazy Almost done of The Twilight series... Just a few chapters left in the last book.. Reads almost to much when ever I see him at school his nose is in a book.. I always thought he would be a lousy reader and be great in Math turns out the opposite is true.. Swim lessons start up at the end of June looking forward to that the kids have so much fun..
We were thinking of heading to the Grand Canyon this year.. But we will see. Seems like an awfully long time to be in the car.. The odors that come from the back seat after the kids have been there for awhile is pretty crazy..lol
I'm doing great and am keeping busy. Working at the school daily.. Little housekeeping on the side and may have a Summer job lined up working for Food for Lane County in there Summer food program.... We will see if there is time for it.. Finding the balance between work and family can be challenging however I am so much happier doing something I enjoy for me.. Ya selfish I know.. Working with the kids at school is always entertaining and no 2 days are ever alike.. Keeps me on my toes...
hmmm what else... Dog is well, Bird is still annoying, Fish is still swimming and the cat still won't die.... ERGGG.. I think she is gonna live forever... YA I don't care for cats.
Anyways thats the latest from the Littlefield house..

Forgiveness I wrote this quite a while back but more recently some things have taken place and the subject comes up again

Here is a subject I have been thinking about much lately. Forgiveness sounds so simple . LIke you say it and it is just done.. However thats not the case. It’s an exercise. The phrase "to forgive and forget"
It’s all wrong. No one ever really forgets maybe it should be "to forgive and let go". That makes much more sense to me.
In Everyones life we have things happen, wrong doings to ourselves or to those we love around us. These things can sometimes haunt us. I speak from personal experience on this one. Personally I have had somethings happen or been a part of that I have not learned to let go of. That I still chew on like a bitter root. This does me no good just weighs on me. And sadly those involved have no idea and no care in the world, they lose no sleep..So now I have a choice to make. If I choose to hang on and be mad angry sad I am the ONLY ONE affected. Crazy isn’t it! So I am going to forgive. Understanding that there isn’t always an answer or an explanation.
I am LEARNING to Forgive. At first I thought NO WAY! Forgive screw that! But then I realize that forgiving doesn’t mean condoning. It doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. Just the act of forgiveness alone means there was some wrongdoing. This is an exercise of the heart and will and spirit Everyday it’s easier some days a little tougher but it’s about the concious decision to say I forgive not condone I understand there are things I am not suppose to understand and I can except that. You forgive for yourself allowing your own spirit to release the hauntings that hound it.
This is pretty hard to wrap my brain around but I guess that when you leave it up to the guy upstairs...
here is wikipedias definition Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution[1].
Something to think about don’t you think?

tick tock

Time.... all so fun to stretch your mind about..

Again working with kids you realize the concept of time is sensed differently depending on where one is standing....A child can take a task such as tying ones shoes and stretch it out for much longer that that which is necessary. However are they really taking that long at all? They perceive time differently.. Remember when Summer use to last forever? Now it just zips away....Racing faster and faster each year.
Anyone who has ever been in any kind of accident can vow that time plays tricks.. I still remember an accident like it was yesterday that took place when I was about 17.. Flying through the air, through the trees.. It seemed to be an eternity so many things passed through my mind but the reality to any onlooker was that is was just a matter of seconds.. Time..it all depends where your standing..

Society..

Our system is so radically screwed up right now that it makes me blue in the face. Latest talk at our school is that there is a great possibility that it will be closing May 15.. A month early.. NExt year Our school will be going to a four day schedule.. Same number of educational hours as we have now.. Except now kids have a three day weekend.. Just what they need. LOL
We as a nation are collapsing. Banks and cars come before health care and education. Seems so backwards to me.. I would think if you want a strong healthy society the place one would start is with our education. Educating early and year round.. Really do we need summer break? When was the last time you saw kids out on the farm harvesting crops? Now summers are spent watching T.V. and playing video games alone at home while both parents are at work, while all the knowledge gained during the school year just slips away.. Leading teachers and staff having to "refresh" students for the first three months of school..
We bailout banks not giving even a nod to the education CRISIS that is taking place. Where will that lead our country in the future when we try to compete in a global economy? So easily lost in the pages of People magazine, worrying about hair and make up rather then the big picture. Shallow we are and shallow we will remain unless something is done with the education system.Lost in the idea that we are a great nation while others just pass us by.. Reminds me much of the fable "The Tortise and the rabbit".
Then of course the health care system! You want productive workers they need to be healthy. Think about how many people miss work or are unable to work due to health wether that be physical or mental.. The numbers are staggering. I don't see much happening or any long term recovery for us unless we start addressing these very real long term problems.
So while we bail out these companies with our hard earned dollars while begging and borrowing from any country who's willing to own a piece of us.. How about the "little people" ,the nuts and bolts of America, with out them what are we but another thrd world country.
Okay..Okay .. Im stepping off my soap box.....

life,death and stuff

So I was thinking today, a horrible habit I have been trying to break.. Life and death and stuff.
Some of you may know a pack rat or two in your lives. I am always fasinated and appalled by such people. To be so wrapped up in stuff. Seems like it would suffocate the life right out of you.
People always say you can't take it with you when you die..This is true but sometimes I think people miss the bigger picture.. What you actually leave behind. After all, your life really hasn't had any meaning unless you have touched others lives in someway. A fingerprint of your being carried on forever.. We all leave these prints, some can be damaging smudging what ever they have touched hopefully if we live a concious life, an aware life, what we leave behind is positive.
So instead of collecting trinckets that collect dust and when left behind just leave a headache for those to clean up. Concentrate on your life print. Things come and go but your life print carries on forever. It's a hard task that takes lots of practice. Requires stepping out of yourself to be aware of all living things at any given moment.. Putting a side things for people. In this day and age a big idea. Seems people are now judged by what they own and what they get not what they contribute. A bigger house, a bigger car, Bigger wardrobe... what about bigger kindness? It doesn't take much, a smile at the check out line, a genuine "how are you?" Doing things for others with out expecting anything in return..You can't take it with you but you CAN leave it behind..

what time is it....

Kids... Kids are the most amazing creatures ever! They never fail to make me smile.. The world thru their eyes is just so new..
Yesterday I got to hep out in Katies class..I mean Katherines class.. She is requiring that she be called by her full name.
In KAtherines class the kids are working on telling time... What a concept to grasp. So much fun watching the wheels turn.. A common question that seemed to be confusing the kids a lot was..
How many seconds are in a minute..

So heres how a conversation would go

Me: So can you tell me how many seconds are in 1 minute?

Child: ummmm...... 1!

Me: nope Try again..

Child looks about room... Ummmm... 4!

Me: Nope, I'll give you a hint. How many minutes are in an hour?

child: 58! Smiles broadly.

Me: So close! Actually it's 60 minutes. 60 minutes are in an hour. Remember that, That is your hint

child nods intently

Me: okay so now how many seconds are in a minute?

child: um......8!

Me: Wait not so quick.. How many minutes are in an hour?

child: 60!

Me: YAy!! Okay so how many seconds do you think are in a minute?

Child : um.....60?...60!

Me: yay!!!!

Aww the look of accomplishment when they get it! It reminds you not to take all the little stuff for granted.. They just have a way of making everything thats done in a day feel like a great accomplishment, everything is special...
Kids are cool

TMI

Ugh! One of the first things people will see about me is I am a little to open and honest. I say whats on my mind and whats in my soul.. Censors do not exsist in my world. Coming to grips with this is hard at times, people tend to think I am really retarded or just plain stupid. I'm not either or so I 'd like to think. I guess I just want people to feel comfortable, their isn't much I haven't experienced or seen. I try to be non-judgmental because a saint I am not.. So at times I tend to share to much.. I am guessing this blog is one of those times..
Many mistakes I have made and with many more to come... One of the things more recently (the last decade) I have tried to overcome are fear.. I am one of those that have always been afraid of everything. Anybody seen the movie Lemony Snickets A Series Of Unfortunate Events? Well I am pretty sure the Meryl Streep character was created after me. I should so collect royalties!
As a child I learned everything late.. A true late bloomer I was.. Didn't learn to swim til I was 8.. I Didn't learn to ride a bike till I was 9 no roller coasters till I was 16..Heck I think I was even a late talker! And last but not least I didn't drive till I WAS 29... WHEW.. exhausting.. Where did such an inability to feel comfortable in my own skin come from.. ? I am aware and boy oh boy do I try to overcome.. It's not that I am a closed off person quite the opposite.. A feeling to climb and strive the highest peaks is always in my sights.. However have you ever been frozen right where you stand..? So often I am overcome with that feeling.... The everyday stuff that most take for granted takes me a little extra.. I often wonder what could one accomplish if one was completely uninhibited by fear? Don't we all have this little battle somewhere in our lives? Be honest with yourself.. Where do you find it and how do you overcome?
Life is so not ment to be easy, each of our journeys are different. Each of our purposes and lessons that we are here to learn are our own.. Do you know yours? Can you say them out loud?? They aren't easy, They take time, we know them when we find them. We wade through them like a thick cold swamp hopefully to come out the other end a better person more soulful and aware.. An education that doesn't come from a school not one you can pay for with cash and books but one that come from tears and sweat and bad decisions ..
To become unfrozen and aware of ones potential to embrace it... I still am figuring it out each day I feel the answer is right there.. Like I am ready to take the plunge yet I stop frozen again. Standing on the edge of a cliff looking into the deep blue water poised to dive. Is the water clear or will I bash my head against unseen boulders ? I freeze, missing out on the experience of gliding through the air weightless, cutting through the blue water clean and smooth exhilerated and most of all enlightened. Maybe tomorrow...For the chance never does truly pass.. That is one of the great things in life. Opportunities to learn and stretch our minds and souls are always available. Given again and again.
TMI.. I suppose To Much Info!! For those that read this which not anybody does..whew! Thank goodness! I am still Figuring things out don't judge, just remember we all have our little bumps or mountains as different as they may be we hopefully learn and grow and become whole people.. Don't get me wrong I am a happy person.. So much I have been blessed with however their is this little perfectionist in me that expects more, Not from those around me but from me.. And I don't think that is such a bad thing..I AM only 31 and to think that I was where I was suppose to be spiritaully at this age would be egotistical.. I have a long life ahead, A long journey, a long test.. To have all the answers now? I don't think so.

Moments that make you think

Wow so last night was intresting. I signed our family up for a parenting class for children ages 10-14.. Last night was our second class. During these classes Miss Katie goes to The Resource center were she plays twister and musical chairs for 2 hours while we are hard at work on IMPROVING our communication skills with our 10 year old... I think she has the better half of the deal.
I signed up for the classes because I always think their is room for improvement and even if you only learn just one thing: You're growing and isn't that what were all here for.
Anyways My husband hasn't been to hip on it cause well he thinks things are fine and he's right, they are, but as I said theirs always room for improvement. He being the wonderful husband that he is knew it was important to me so he goes and even participates.. Sam Hates it!
Sam oh Sam my wonderful Sam.. Sam is an intresting kid. Already talking about college and politics.. Ya hes a diffent kinda dude.. He's also very stubborn. So in his stubborness last night he decided he didn't want to be at the class. So things turn sour.
He is huffing and puffing, not looking at us, saying things under his breath sitting with his arms crossed. Finally he says he's outta there and gets up and walks out.. UGH! There are those moments as a parent when you just find yourself not knowing the answer and that was one of them.. Anyways being that I am friend with the instructors I frustratingly said "This is why I am here!" " How do I deal with this"! So I got up and followed him out of the class he tried to hide in the boys bathroom then learned quickly I have know shame when I walked in..
stil stubborn he refuse to come back to class. I tell him not to leave the building and I go back to the room. After a small talk with my husband we decide not to expend any more energy or attention to him and continue with what we are doing..
Our assignment to make a family shield. One that contains four of our families core values. Whew.. Alright we can do that would be funner if Sam was helping but okay Brad and I will just do it.. Of course you know my head is soooooo not in the game.
We whip a shield up our four values we list are; Hard work, Education, Honesty, and working together as a family. Blah Blah... We present it to the class most parents present theirs with their kids helping and reading theirs. Sam has decided to grace us with his presence again but just returns to his seat. Brad and I are left to present our shield ourselves.. ho hum.. I'm ready to go home.
Next we all get in a circle at the end of class. Each Family says what one of their familys core values are.. The circle come round to us... um.. My minds not in the game.
Sam speaks up... "Mom, can I pick it?"
Oh great I am thinking what is he gonna say..
"um ya sure Sam go ahead"
Everyone is watching and waiting cause here is this kid thats just been a pill for the last 2 hours and he stands their quietly for a second..
Then The teacher says "okay Sam whats one value your family has and he pauses and then says " LOVE, my family has love..."
Well I have to admit this hit a nerve and I started to cry like a big baby I was embarrased till I looked around and saw a few others weeping to.. Kids they can be so frustrating and then they say something thats just so obvious....It feels like it smacks you right in the head..

ho humm Winter blues

Do you ever feel like you are waiting for something. Like your skin is just itching from the expectation.. I'm there right now.. I feel like I am stalled.. And can't quite get out of my skin.. I need to molt like a snake maybe I just need to slither and rub against some rocks and I will feel new.. Then again maybe not... I have had this feeling of being impatient all day.. like when your at a really long red light and you just want to get where your going. Or when your standing in line at the grocery store with just a gallon of milk and in front of you a never ending trail of costumers each with their own over flowing cart...
I think maybe it's the need for spring.. On my walk with the dog today I heard frogs sing ...I think they only do that in Spring.. It was so warm today.. Felt so good... Made my skin that much more itchy.. Do you ever just want to take all your clothes off and lay in the sun like a cat... Feeling the arms of the sun wrap around your body... I'm there.. I need heat.. I am tired of feeling as though I am in a chronic state of hibernation... I need to breath I am not made for winter I am a temperate person who needs temperate weather..Wake up Wake up I need to wake up to the smell of spring to apple blossoms and daffadils.. ho humm I'm ready to be done with winter..

reflecting

My daughters birthday was on February 12. Every birthday the kids have. It is traditional at our house to tell them the story of their birth. So I will share the story with you also.
Katherines delivery was a planned c-section. Planned because Sam had been delivered via emergency c-section, the surgery as you can imagine left quite a big scar on my stomach. Not that I am anymore vain then the next person, but knowing the damage Sams birth caused I didn't want my um..how do I say...hoo hoo left in the same condition as my stomach was from the first birth so I figured we should deliver her the same way Sam was .
It was really great actually. No labor we just made an appointment. I can remember Brad and I getting into the elevator at the hospital bright and early in the morning it was just about 7 am and we new in just about 2 hours we would be holding our new baby in our arms. We rode up to the third floor and walked into a pre op room. Brad had to put on scrubs.. He looked just like a doctor he even grabbed a clip board and jokingly pretended to be my physican.. We were so full of excitement and laughter.
I was then led to the operating room Brad had to wait outside until I ws preped. I sat on the edge of the operating table with a pillow on my lap. The antheseologist had me curl my back over as much as I could then he slipped the needle into my spine that would deaden any feeling from my breasts own. This process is nail biting. I was gripping the pillow as hard as I could adn sweat was beading up on my forehead as the needle made it's journey, when the needle and medicine first enters your spine it feels like a small snake or worm slithering through your spine.. It's very unreal.
They then had me lay back quickly because the drug takes affect quite fast.. Brad entered the room and came over to me and held my hand the doctors began there work.. Nausea hit and I began to vomit lovingly my husband held my head.. Then there she was.. Wrapped up in a blankie Brad holds her to my face...shes beautiful.
When I found out I was pregnant.. I wished and wished for a boy. I was terrified of the thought that I could have a girl. A girl..what would I do with a girl?! I never had a very good relationship with my mother and I feared that I would have the same relationship with Katie.. After she was born, for the first six monthes I looked at her like she was alien.. I was scared of her... I was scared for what her life would hold. Being female in this world is not exactly easy. What if I couldn't protect her. What if I couldn't teach her the things she would need to know. What if I wasn't good enough..
All thats gone now.. I don't worry like I use to. I love her like no other. So many differences from my own relationship with my mother. I can show her I love her and I know in my heart she will never doubt it. She is amazing ..and she is loved. I am thankful everyday that she is a girl and take comfort in being able to give her and her brother everything they need... hugs, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with and always no matter what be there to cheer them on through all their successes and when they fall we'll be there to help them up..
Katies 8 now.. So beautiful and so smart. I hope for her all the things a parent hopes for their child..I hope she never know heart break or pain but realisticly she will experience both I hope she can learn from her experiences but not let them cloud her view of the world.. I hope she is always hopeful and optimistic because life is to short to be bitter. I hope she loves the rain... and the puddles it makes cause life is messy but a lot of fun too.. And always I hope she knows I love her always and forever and a day..

another late night

Why do I even have an answering machine. It's little red light is flashing urgently at me and for some reason I choose never ever to check it.. I think it's like a battle of wills.. ha.. Ya like that makes sense. I am having a battle of wills with my answering machine.. It just blinks and blinks..
I refuse to check it. However I don't want it disconnected either.. Hmmm

Nice to meet me..

SO here I am at 8:30 on a Thursday morning. Its cold outside but the day looks like it will turn out beautiful. The mountains have just a wisping of fog, and the sky is already brilliantly blue. My coffee is hot,my slippers toasty and I am finding it hard to not just meditate the morning away..The dog is snoring at my feet, apparently he is enjoying the quietness of the morning too.
Who am I. This is a question I have asked myself more and more often lately. I think I am slowly figuring out the answer. First of I'm a mother . I have two lovely children A boy and a girl, ages 9 and 7. Also I am a wife. I'm one of the lucky ones. Married to a man who understands me for me sometimes better then I do.
For a while I thought that's all I was. Introducing myself I would say " Hello, I'm Sam and Katies mom, or Hi, I'm Brads wife. Wrapped up in the day to day activities of keeping the wheels moving I lost track of me.. Actually I don't think I really knew who that was to start with.
Honestly I don't think I have myself figured out yet. However, I am choosing to be more aware of Me. A hard thing to do. I think this is probably a pretty common thing for moms..
So what have I discovered besides that I am a late bloomer. A little more each day! I'm actually enjoying meeting me! Turns out I'm quite witty.. If I do say so myself..LOL. It's a journey with surprises around every corner. I learn little things and big things. Why just yesterday I learned I ENJOY Karaoke..Odd considering I usaully like making fun of people performing..Apparently I'm a Rock star in secret. :o). I enjoy the outdoors,walking on the lake, quiet, writing (just discovered this) ....it's meditative, Museums of any sort, good books, playing in the dirt, garage sales because I like to look through people stuff it's like getting a glimpse into peoples lives. People truely do fasinate me. I love kids even the ones that aren't mine. There point of view is insatiable!
Anyways, I am finding I have strong opinions that are best kept to myself . After all their just opinions. Opinions are ment to be disagreed with and I just don't like taking the time to defend something that is based on a feeling that could change tomorrow.
So here I am multifaceted new angles being added all the time. It's been fun and I recommend the journey to anyone who hasn't yet taken up the time to find YOU.