reflecting

My daughters birthday was on February 12. Every birthday the kids have. It is traditional at our house to tell them the story of their birth. So I will share the story with you also.
Katherines delivery was a planned c-section. Planned because Sam had been delivered via emergency c-section, the surgery as you can imagine left quite a big scar on my stomach. Not that I am anymore vain then the next person, but knowing the damage Sams birth caused I didn't want my um..how do I say...hoo hoo left in the same condition as my stomach was from the first birth so I figured we should deliver her the same way Sam was .
It was really great actually. No labor we just made an appointment. I can remember Brad and I getting into the elevator at the hospital bright and early in the morning it was just about 7 am and we new in just about 2 hours we would be holding our new baby in our arms. We rode up to the third floor and walked into a pre op room. Brad had to put on scrubs.. He looked just like a doctor he even grabbed a clip board and jokingly pretended to be my physican.. We were so full of excitement and laughter.
I was then led to the operating room Brad had to wait outside until I ws preped. I sat on the edge of the operating table with a pillow on my lap. The antheseologist had me curl my back over as much as I could then he slipped the needle into my spine that would deaden any feeling from my breasts own. This process is nail biting. I was gripping the pillow as hard as I could adn sweat was beading up on my forehead as the needle made it's journey, when the needle and medicine first enters your spine it feels like a small snake or worm slithering through your spine.. It's very unreal.
They then had me lay back quickly because the drug takes affect quite fast.. Brad entered the room and came over to me and held my hand the doctors began there work.. Nausea hit and I began to vomit lovingly my husband held my head.. Then there she was.. Wrapped up in a blankie Brad holds her to my face...shes beautiful.
When I found out I was pregnant.. I wished and wished for a boy. I was terrified of the thought that I could have a girl. A girl..what would I do with a girl?! I never had a very good relationship with my mother and I feared that I would have the same relationship with Katie.. After she was born, for the first six monthes I looked at her like she was alien.. I was scared of her... I was scared for what her life would hold. Being female in this world is not exactly easy. What if I couldn't protect her. What if I couldn't teach her the things she would need to know. What if I wasn't good enough..
All thats gone now.. I don't worry like I use to. I love her like no other. So many differences from my own relationship with my mother. I can show her I love her and I know in my heart she will never doubt it. She is amazing ..and she is loved. I am thankful everyday that she is a girl and take comfort in being able to give her and her brother everything they need... hugs, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with and always no matter what be there to cheer them on through all their successes and when they fall we'll be there to help them up..
Katies 8 now.. So beautiful and so smart. I hope for her all the things a parent hopes for their child..I hope she never know heart break or pain but realisticly she will experience both I hope she can learn from her experiences but not let them cloud her view of the world.. I hope she is always hopeful and optimistic because life is to short to be bitter. I hope she loves the rain... and the puddles it makes cause life is messy but a lot of fun too.. And always I hope she knows I love her always and forever and a day..